Reflecting ones self is like looking in a mirror,
I see her but don’t recognize the density of her thoughts.
Expecting my dreams and fantasies to be real, is not what actually happens.
The box I live in is safe and as real to me as anything else.
I peeked into the real world, like the voyeur that I am….
It’s not a sexual thing anymore, it’s a safe thing…unengaged with the world.
Finally went deep into the rabbit hole and it’s safe here.
I remember the battles I have had….the relationships that never reached their potential.
One minute your in a blissful bubble and next you are at war.
I miss what could have been…I miss what I wanted and never received…..
I miss unconditional love, whatever that may have been or could have been.
Probably my fault but maybe not. Not sure anymore as I was never confident
about my emotion safety.
I think that was the problem all along….I never ever felt safe. In any aspect of my life…
so now…..
I recently tried to take a step
A small one….
but when there was a response, I burrowed.
Not healthy, I know…don’t want any conflict…no that is wrong…
I believe things will not be different.
So…I watch from afar…watch her life move and ebb without me.
It is strange that I have turtled so much, maybe life right now has
allowed me to dig in deeper.
Do you think when “normal” comes back, I’ll pop my head out like a goffer?
Who knows…I do know I like my safe bubble a little to much.
