Closed away

Reflecting ones self is like looking in a mirror,

I see her but don’t recognize the density of her thoughts.

Expecting my dreams and fantasies to be real, is not what actually happens.

The box I live in is safe and as real to me as anything else.

I peeked into the real world, like the voyeur that I am….

It’s not a sexual thing anymore, it’s a safe thing…unengaged with the world.

Finally went deep into the rabbit hole and it’s safe here.

I remember the battles I have had….the relationships that never reached their potential.

One minute your in a blissful bubble and next you are at war.

I miss what could have been…I miss what I wanted and never received…..

I miss unconditional love, whatever that may have been or could have been.

Probably my fault but maybe not. Not sure anymore as I was never confident

about my emotion safety.

I think that was the problem all along….I never ever felt safe. In any aspect of my life…

so now…..

I recently tried to take a step

A small one….

but when there was a response, I burrowed.

Not healthy, I know…don’t want any conflict…no that is wrong…

I believe things will not be different.

So…I watch from afar…watch her life move and ebb without me.

It is strange that I have turtled so much, maybe life right now has

allowed me to dig in deeper.

Do you think when “normal” comes back, I’ll pop my head out like a goffer?

Who knows…I do know I like my safe bubble a little to much.

The sweet taste of you

The Pitter Patter of rain on my forehead, I lift my head and stick my tongue out, She tastes sweet. I have had strange dreams of late… I have always dreamed of the faceless woman…she has been with me since my youth. I know her…I have always known her but… this time…the intimacy is more… she smiles with her eyes and is so peacful…she is home… I have never been able to feel content, she is. I have never been able to truly love, she can. When I wake I need her so badly I ache. It’s always the same..that ache. She fills me with peace and love and I crave her when I wake…. but alway, always out of reach. The pitter patter of rain washes over me and I taste her. I love her so much and I lift and stretch my arm out, I move my fingers to her…. just out of my reach. I know if I can just touch her just once, I will soar and fly to the highest point with out fear, with love and peace I know it can happen….she has always been with me, the sweet taste of my dreams.

Refection and Circumspect

Why do I still need to reach out to you?
Is it my memories or wishes of what is lost or could have been?
Is it because no one has stepped into my life to steal my heart from you?

Do I still love you? Do I miss your kisses, your eyes, your touch?
Day dreams of you lying with me…why do I do this to myself?

The art of letting go is not for the weak.
I am stuck in my memories and dreams of you. My loss and regret of you.
Maybe that’s all it is.

I don’t dwell on the things that broke us apart. I know I could have done better.
Been more….
we both could have been so much more…

At the core of it, my love still runs deep.
Ever present ache, emptiness

I wish for the blessed release of a new love. Someone that could end this cycle.Take me to a fresh new start.

I look down on this part of me, hoping that something will happen.
Anything, to move my heart again.

Push through

Its been so hard to move past the pain.

Wanting to connect with fresh and new

damage to my heart hasn’t quite healed yet.

Wanting so much more for myself…I know it’s time.

I will slowly push through to the other side till I am reborn then….

my reflection will share my happiness.