You cant go back

As much as I try, the past is a ghost and is always with me.

I tried to let it be…I tried to make peace with it but

to no avail.

It is unfair to you.

Unfair to me.

That realization did not come easily. I wanted you more than you know.

I wanted what could have been all those years ago.

To start anew….to start from now but the reality is, I wanted a fresh start with

no memories of the end.

That didn’t happen for me and I let you go again with no regret.

The book is closed now. I am at peace and I believe so are you.

Window Box

I remember a snapshot of my early twenties, when I would sit regularly to write

in the window that overlooked my towns lake.

It was an apartment that sat over a jewelry store downtown.

I found such profound peace in those moments.

Notebook in hand, joint in my mouth, and a smile in the crook of my face…..

So many abstract thoughts then, discovering who Alice was down in the rabbit hole….

I had hung my teddy bear from a light fixture in the Livingroom the night before

with a suicide note pined to his chest.

” I cant take it anymore, please save me!”, it said.

I was probably very high…. I laugh a little.

Smells of coffee, weed and last nights party hung in the air

I smiled alot then even when I was moody, sad, melancoly.

I remember that little apartment with


acquaintances in and out, friends just stopped by, whenever

Danny lived across from me, sweet boy child that I adored

He would always make breakfast for us on Sundays,

We were usually hung over from drugs, booze and life.

They were the best of times and the worst of times…

We loved hard, party hard, fought hard and fucked hard.

I remember that morning Danny stepped into my apartment after I hung Teddy up,

“Is this after you had a conversation with the Tomatoes in the fridge last night?”, he asks.

I was sitting in my window box, writing another abstract poem and without looking up,

I said, “Ya…It didn’t go well”.

“Shit happens”….he left me a plate of bacon and eggs and leaves.

I stared out the window, notebook in my lap and thought…

I really need to clean this window.

Sugar in my Coffee

Did you truely let me go or did you put me in a nice safe box

so you could revisit at another time?

I know that I did that. I had to do that to survive, to move on.

You were my heart….always my heart. How could I not?

I had to move on.

I like to think this is a reboot….that in order to put the past behind, we need a clean slate.

There is no me without you, I guess that it has always been that way.

It doesn’t mean that I can not stand on my own because I can….you can.

My heart tho….has been free falling since I left.

I felt like a piece of string…no where to tether …..

coffee tastes bitter without sugar….

that life was less with out you.

Didnt know that till recently….

didn’t understand what was missing till now.

No matter what happens ….I know that my love for you is here and now.

Not a dream….not a bubble in my head…it is real…tangible.

Hopefully you feel the same….

You are home.


Do I still remember to write words of love

Those lovely eyes ….

…….. Shall I speak of your lips?

I miss love and all her wonders.

…………I am a bit Jeckle and Hyde….trauma will do that to you.

…….aah her nipples excite me.

Need to leave….can’t handle that demon…you know the one….

………………………I have been dancing with you all my life.

……….the vampire… needs your sex….your pussy

I’ve expended all of myself into your wetness…..

…….need…it’s all need….I give you what I got …

Best part of me is when I lick your love …

When you give me all of you, with your legs wide open…..

Touch the floor with my feet and I hear the click…turn around and walk away.

………………………………Its what I know.


Do you hear Me?

The silence is deafening when left to my own devises.

I’ve been touching the light beam with my finger tips….

Warmth embraced my soul and I wanted more…starving for the memory

So trepid at first…unsure, afraid…

Do you remember how it was? Speaking without you listening.

Why couldn’t you hear my heart? The pounding in my ears was deafening.

The past snaked into my mind when I wasn’t looking.

Anxiety has been the enemy for quite sometime.

The monster under my bed when the light is turned off.

You are the light. Such a cliché……

Why can’t I explain it perfectly?

You have the power to switch it off and on.

When you do, I am fear…I am the tortured child, the enemy within.

Please grab my hand from the hole I create. lift me out, embrace me with your light.

Please make me feel safe.

Super Power

As long as I can remember, my sexual energy defined me.

It was my super power.

What if my life had been different.

What if I came from a loving functional home where praising your children…

loving them…listening to them was my parents super power.

What kind of person would I be now?

I have no doubt that my path would have had more direction and purpose and

love. That my sexuality would not have been my most defining characteristic.

That flatulating myself wouldn’t have been the norm.

My other super power has always been my imagination. I live in a bubble of what if’s.

I have had many lovers but only a few that could live there with me.

What if, I could have lived there all my life and not when I was just intimate?

What would that look like?

Able to share myself easily, to love easily, to take what I write and make it real.

Is that not a purpose?

What if I truly opened my heart?

Would I shine so bright that I would blind?

When I make love, I share every inch of my soul. I feel your heart beat under my tongue

and my hands.

What if I was able to bare that part of myself to you in a room, face to face with confidence..

with loving power?

Now that would be something, would’nt it?

What if my super power had a cape!

Stirrings of my heart

I am surprised by the stirring of my heart.

fear and history may dictate what happens next but….

I can’t escape an image that is sharp and as real as writing this poem.

We are sitting on the deck of our house on a beautiful summer morning,

over looking our lake.

Coffee in my hand, some sort of herbal tea in yours and a wonderful calm is in the air.

We can hear all the sounds of the morning, birds, loons, frogs..etc…

I look over to you and your eyes are closed…soaking in that you are alive and happy.

There is something awaking in me….

I feel like a hibernating bear waking from slumber.

Thoughts of a future…of a happiness….of a peace…..with you.

Is it just a dream? Perhaps….

It does give me hope and that is a gift you have given me.

I do not want to dwell in the past. It is now that is important, that is real.

Know one knows what the future holds but what keeps circling in my mind is if this was

not to be, then why are you and I touching each others hearts again?

Musing on a winter day

I am not free,

Tethered to my fear, constrained by circumstance…

Musings in my head, lovely, lovely…

Sometimes it’s the memory of the sweet smell of your pussy…..

I scream.

Possible outcomes change daily,

hourly…fuck the past… fuck my thoughts

They creep in just as I get a handle on things.

I am a hypocrite….

Look in the mirror and I see the artist always pounding with her fists…

Have to get it out….feels so much better when it’s out of my head.

This is simply who I am…

Only I can find peace in a storm.

I know in my deepest heart, thoughts….who I am.

That sensitive little girl is smiling at me…

“Why so complicated?” she asks

“Why so serious?…..Time to play”.

What the hell do I think will happen if I just open my arms and let it all in?

All of it!

Feel Like a mutant teenager from some TV show…

Afraid of what happens if I let all my power out.

That would be so cool!

Lock and Key

The door so big and thick…. the cobwebs tell me I’ve been here for awhile….
Gulping the fresh air through the key hole… Such small breaths…just keeping
myself barely alive.

My jailer checks on me now and again… “Are you still
alive”, he asks?
Barely I whisper….. I am weak and forgotten.
When the door opens every now and again, I see light and out of reflex cower into a dark
corner but now someone else appears…

a warm and inviting pressence reach’s out to me..
I sense her presence, her peace … I touch her hand, I feel such
warmth, such love and I cower…
for I do not know what this is.. I’m afraid…

it’s been so long since love has opened the door.
She puts a key in my hand and gently closes it.
She looks deeply into my heart…
“When your ready…no rush… but soon.

You have always been able to open the door”.
” It is your choice and no one elses.
“You have the power to free yourself”.
She leaves and the door closes.
I hear the tumbler as the door is locked by my jailer.
I crawl to the key hole and take a bigger breath and now it begins.

Closed away

Reflecting ones self is like looking in a mirror,

I see her but don’t recognize the density of her thoughts.

Expecting my dreams and fantasies to be real, is not what actually happens.

The box I live in is safe and as real to me as anything else.

I peeked into the real world, like the voyeur that I am….

It’s not a sexual thing anymore, it’s a safe thing…unengaged with the world.

Finally went deep into the rabbit hole and it’s safe here.

I remember the battles I have had….the relationships that never reached their potential.

One minute your in a blissful bubble and next you are at war.

I miss what could have been…I miss what I wanted and never received…..

I miss unconditional love, whatever that may have been or could have been.

Probably my fault but maybe not. Not sure anymore as I was never confident

about my emotion safety.

I think that was the problem all along….I never ever felt safe. In any aspect of my life…

so now…..

I recently tried to take a step

A small one….

but when there was a response, I burrowed.

Not healthy, I know…don’t want any conflict…no that is wrong…

I believe things will not be different.

So…I watch from afar…watch her life move and ebb without me.

It is strange that I have turtled so much, maybe life right now has

allowed me to dig in deeper.

Do you think when “normal” comes back, I’ll pop my head out like a goffer?

Who knows…I do know I like my safe bubble a little to much.